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Story One: "The Story Of the Thadfest"
It all began on a normal Thursday morning, Thad had just arrived at the pavement where everyone hangs out. He strolls up to his main man T and is shocked to hear of the cancellation of the gig, later that day.
"We should have a festival of our own"
"The Thadfest"
And so the Thadfest was born, out of sweat and blood, from the burning wreckage of dismay, the new glint of the light of hope shone through the smoke of depression and from this came a festival that would grom to be so big, so astronomically huge, it would shake the world itself under it's watchful gaze....mmmm peotic.
The Thadfest was created by the masters, T and Thad. At first it was just a thought but soon it grew to be so much more than that. It gained shape and form at Nailsworth Town Hall where the first ever Thadfest was going to be, and people would come, oh yes, people would come but timing and positioning was everything. If it was too soon, the bands would not have enough time to prepare and there would be rushed pokey-stick shopping, possibly making them choose the wrong length, width or type. Yes it was hard but then, so is life. If it was too late, band members would be on holiday and the pokey-sticks would lose their pokiness as they were left in the darkness.
And so a new attraction rose from the ashes,...... "The Booth". A small room with Thad himself enclosed; 20p to see, 50p to poke him with a stick. The idea was genius and little did Thad and T know that this Thadfest would mould the rest of their lives as they continue the search for the perfect concert, for the concert to finish all concerts, for the big one.
So Thad and T invited everyone they knew and everyone they didnt, this was a festival, a gathering of all nations united together under one roof with no alcohol or drugs allowed int he building.
The dream was incredible, publicity was huge. Crowds cried out for the Thadfest to begin and for it to last forever. Naked babes threw themselves at the two dudes as they strolled down through Stroud, Marling, even through Chalford.
The money ran like blood and the blood ran like money in the pits that would become famous for being the best pits ever and the booth would become more violent as the master was poked with all kinds of sharp objects. But he knew that it was good and so he felt no pain. He felt nothing but happiness as people watched him and poked him. It was his destiny.
The crowds would come from miles around, from places as far off as Stroud and Cheltenham as they flocked in their millions to the 1st concert in the Thadfest saga. But Thad and T knew that many, many more would follow as they planned the next Thadfest.
Millions of people came from everywhere and came to sit and wait for the Thadfest.
THADFEST HAD ARRIVED
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"The Story Of The Spanner"
The spanner is such a wonderful thing. Without a spanner we wouldn't have many of the things we take for granted today such as ties and the famous spanner pizza.
The spanner pizza was created years ago by a small, unknown race called the Omnoms. Everyday, the Omnoms would go into the woods and find the tallest tree in the woods, then they would climb it to look for Smagnoy bird eggs and if they didn't find any, they would jump off the top and die. Because there was no such thing as the Smagnoy bird, there was no such thing as Smagnoy bird eggs so pretty soon the Omnoms were close to extinction.
Until one Omnom called Derek said,
"Lets not climb trees, lets make pizzas out of spanners."
The Omnoms were so upset with Derek that they cut off his arms and legs and chucked him off the highest tree in the woods. After they had done this, they went home and thought about what he had said and they thought that he might be right (might rhymes with right). So they went and made the spanner pizza.
In this pizza was lots of rocks. In fact, the whole thing was made of rock so people just put them on their mantlepiece or broke all their teeth and went to their dentist a lot or they would if dentists had been invented so instead they just died.
Soon the Omnoms were no more and the rocks and spanners could walk around in safety and go to teaparties with other spanners and rocks. But soon, for no apparent reason, a giant omellette fell out of the sky and killed all of them but fossilized their bodies.
In the present day, archaelogists sometimes find rocks and spanners and sometimes on a lucky day they find a monkey wrench but they have to hide these otherwise the monkeys will kill them.
Monkeys have four legs or four arms does anyone know, does anyone care? But monkey wrenches are really great because they are like spanners but can climb trees.
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Story Two: "Thadfest; A Review"
It was a beautiful day that the masters, Thad and T had chosen for the birth of the greatest festival in the world ever. Birds sang and the sun shone (not that that mattered but it put everybody in a very good mood, oh is that a preztel or a preztul mmm?). All of the organising started earlier than 6:00pm as T had decreed that it would be stupidly pure and simple to start setting things up as the doors were opening. This was one of T's brighter moments and in a flash of inspiration, everybody realised he was one of the great thinkers of that time.
Thad made history by almost missing the beginning of his own festival but he came through wind and rain to make them scream; to watch them play.
The doors of the Thadfest opened to the sound of one hundred earthquakes all over the world (on minor one was reported in Chalford but this is thought to be a publicity stunt by Thad's brother to boost ticket sales) and to the light of a thousand bolts of lightening (one narrowly missing a small turtle in the mediterranian who later became a talkshow host due to this historic catastrophie.)
And they came in their millions, but unfortunately, 990800 had to be turned away due to hall capacity but they swore that they would return to the next Thadfest and they would poke Thad. The last ticket was the most expensive ticket on record, selling at just over £4000 (joke.) But everybody that entered the Thadfest was well pleased, it is thought that even God was there in spirit.
And as Thad spoke those historic words,
"Hi everyone,"
the whole Earth caught fire but only for a second so the only recods of this are certain satellite pictures that the Government have neglected to broadcast and the strange dissapearance of Bill Clintons slippers. The crowd went so loud, people in Sydney, Australia said they could hear a faint rumble early that morning. And so the Thadfest began, loud music and vigorous Thad poking ensued and soon everyone was very pleased with what they were witnessing and what were they witnessing? The greatest music show on Earth.
Vena Cava opened with a great set after Thad (The Lampshade) had introduced them, with such amazing songs as Desire To Fire and Blind and Root but due to poor equipment and lack of technical support, the sound screwed up once or twice. (This may also be partly due to the fact that a Digimon was flying past, hence the static.) (It was later claimed by Thad that he had seen a Digimon but this is also thought to be a publicity stunt.)
The next set was described as "Brutal Metal" by many beforehand, this was a view that was dispelled during the set by everybody except Stodgy the Scarecrow but he was later decreed a ponce by Thad and T. BoyEatsGirl played such classics and Staind - Mudshovel and Feed. They also played Detached by Spineshank which was Thad's mums favourite. They had an expert on the lighting for their set in the form of Thadfest T.
After a short break the crowd gathered like storm clouds or custard in the fruit salad for the Thadfest headliners Good Mother Lizard. They began to the tune of everyone's favourite show; Baywatch and played many great anthems, such as American Cliche and Mary and Flourescant. They also played their new song with Joey C. of Vena Cava. It was great and there was much fun had by all. There was also an acoustic set and a dance competition which was good aswell.
After the Thadfest, the crowds flooded out into the streets happy and not sad to go and sleep somewhere nice and wait for the next Thadfest.
At the end of this amzing event, Thad and T were visited by a divine blessing from the Big Guy upstairs, the Thadfest Moth, a true sign of a miracle.
THE FIRST EVER THADFEST WAS OVER
STORY THREE – “THADFEST; THE AFTERMATH”
The Thadfest had been the greatest of our or anybody else’s lifetime. In fact, the only thing that would be better would be another Thadfest. And so it was decreed that another Thadfest would take place. A fest that would be so huge that it would make people look like ants when they were compared in scale. And when they were standing next to the Empire State Building or a very big tree or a rhino, which was unusually large, this was nothing compared to the Thadfest.
“But the Thadfest 2 will be even greater than the original”
Said T,
“Yes”
Said Thad,
“It will be the only fest that can be seen from space.”
And they knew it was true.
After the first Thadfest, Thad and T went into hiding and were not seen by anybody except a small purple man called Jeremy but he too disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Many believe that he was crushed by a wild stampede of Tesco Value artichokes sent by Thad and T to stop him telling their whereabouts but this is just speculation.
The time spent in hiding was very exciting as it gave them a chance to take all the bones out of their legs and see if they could still walk but they couldn’t so they had to put all the bones back in. They also had many sleepless nights in a nuclear testing lab trying to grow artichokes that would change colour when they were close to an apple. They did this so they could detect apples and hide in case someone jealous of Thadfest fame put a bomb in an apple and they accidentally ate it and exploded but this device did not work as it changed colour when they were close to orangutangs as well and so it was stupid because it was unlikely that a bomb would be hidden in an ape. Though a bomb could be disguised as an orangutang, Thad and T decided they would be able to tell the difference between a monkey and a bomb. Later that morning they found they were wrong when they ordered a pet monkey from the zoo, to hold the Thadfest flag, and the monkey exploded early and blew up Canada.
Thad and T also continued to work on the main project, Thadfest 2. They spent hours learning all the languages but then forgot them when they were sleeping so it was quite a waste of time. But they didn’t care. Thadfest 2 was going to be big, very big, bigger than space and definitely bigger than a leather back turtle but it is not difficult to be bigger than a leather back turtle so this was no surprise to anybody.
On Tuesday, Bin Laden came, looking for a place to hide as well but he was promptly eaten by a super large leather back turtle that had escaped from the Thadfest underground zoo.
Years went by and still there was no sign of the creators of the Thadfest. Rumour began to circulate that maybe Thad and T had been eaten by a giant leather back turtle because it was so upset it couldn’t carry the flag. That Thad and T were slowly changing into artichokes and would be sold at Tesco’s for 49p for one. The people of Earth began to fall into an age of depression and chaos, with no Thad and T.
Then, from the ashes of the fires of hope rose the young men, stronger than ever, and Thad had a new haircut that made him “look a lot older,” said his mum and dad. And so began the distant rumbles as everybody came to see these amazing people and everybody, including Petch, said wow they are really cool.
And so began the lead up to Thadfest 2, the fest that would send tremors all round the world, even tremors through space, making distant planets explode, and small antelopes turn into bath mats for no apparent reason.
Thadfest 2 was on the way
Story Four: "Thadfest 2; The Second Coming"
Twas a wonderful day in February. This was quite odd because February is quite quite cold, a bit like a fridge or a really cold frozen thing like a leg of reduced pork in Waitrose which some young vandal has put in the freezer cabinet so when it freezes, he can use it as a weapon in an attempt to take over the world with a frozen leg of pork. Speaking of legs of pork, this was the day that the Thadfest was confirmed. Like a smeegal on a unicycle is probably going to fall off because smeegals have no sense of balance, and more to the point, they have no legs. This makes them very rare as they couldn't escape from predators who often mistook them for a gooseberry on a unicycle and ate them without asking them their names, which wouldn't have helped anyway because smeegals can't talk.
Thad and T had just returned from their holiday in Chalford. They had aimed to come back just an hour after they left, after taking Thad's dog for a walk, but, four weeks later, they returned to a king's welcome. After this they were followed for a few days by the press, thrying to get photos of the Thadfest organisers doing things in their spare time but Thad and T quickly lost the press by disguising themselves as shoes.
The Thadfest was announced and all over the world, thousands of smeegals appeared from their burrows and stole lots of important land marks such as the Empire State Building, the Eiffel Tower and Thad's left sock which meant that the world was very upset. But it didn't matter because T bought Thad another sock. But by the time T had wrapped it up, it had melted so T bought Thad a hat instead.
Once again the world began their celebrations and preparations for the Thadfest 2. The entire smeegal population died out over night as they took the sock and sat under a large stem of broccoli which promptly fell over and killed all of them. So once again, Thad and T's super broccoli had saved the world. Unfortunately, the broccoli also crushed most of Japan, China, Afghanistan and took out a bush in the outskirts of Chalford but this didn't matter as there are lots of bushes in Chalford. There are also lots of dinosaurs in Chalford but no-one ever sees them because there are so many bushes in the way.
And so they came, months in advance to Stroud, the home of Thadfest 2, and also the home of a rather exciting budgie anorak shop which sold tiny overcoats for birds and number plates for bus bikes (A bike that looks like a bus, invented by Toby Ireland. An invention that won him the Nobel Peace prize and a very stupid hat which he wore regularly until one day when he was playing hide-and-seek with his hat in Chalford and the bush it was hiding it was crushed by a larger than normal stem of broccoli.)
And so it began, the planning of Thadfest 2 was well under way. Websites were launched. But there was only one official Thadfest website. Many followers thought that this was nice and that it made a change from the cucumber sandwiches and scones with cream and jam and roasted smeegal on spits that they were used to.
The date was set with Freeloader, Good Mother Lizard and BoyEatsGirl at Stroud Sub Rooms with a special appearance from the Wrecking Cru (consisting of Thad and T) but they cancelled because they wrecked a rather large emu feather at Thad's house and were exhausted.
Thadfest was coming to Stroud Sub Rooms on 20th July 2002.
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"The Story Of The Aubergine"
Thousands of years ago, after all the dinosaurs had dies out because they had no shoes (it is a little known fact that there was a great shortage of shoes in the Jurassic Period). This meant that the dinosaurs would go outside and maybe tread on a sharp rock or a tree or a drawing pin (but this wouldn't really affect them because, as "dinosaur to drawing pin ratio" dictates, dinosaurs are quite a lot bigger than drawing pins). So, they would tread on these things and hurt their feet and fall over.
This is not what killed the dinosaurs. In fact, the dinosaurs were killed by a pre-historic form of Tofu Bar. This race of war-like Tofu Bars would plant trees and then put really big holes next to them so when the dinosaur trod on the tree and fell over, it would fall down the hole and die.
The Tofu Bars thought this was really funny until one day, they were building a really big hole and for no reason at all, the whole race of Tofu Bars exploded, apart from one who was called Cedric. He was very happy about this and he did a little dance to celebrate. In fact, he danced too much and didn't look where he was going so he fell down the really big hole, caught fire, and died which was a shame because Cedric was a nice Tofu Bar. And so the dinosaurs died out.
Years after, there were no predators to eat all the things that usually got eaten and so they thrived. Until one day a particularly adventurous shrew called Ofrid went into the woods to look for a trampoline that had escaped earlier that day. So, there he was, exploring the woods of Tewerp, when he stumbled across a cave full of trampolines and he was eaten by a large bear called Tony.
At this point in the woods, there was a very large population of aubergine. The race of aubergine was an evolution that took many years to achieve, to become the fighting machines that they were. Apart from the fact that they looked a bit silly because they were purple, about 6 inches tall and had very silly hair. But, their spears were no laughing matter. Measuring four metres in length and weighing four and a half tons, it took the whole aubergine tribe to lift one. But, when they did lift the spear, they would run very fast in circles to confuse the enemy then they would throw the spear at a tree and try and bite their ankles. This didn't work because they had no mouths or eyes because they were actually just vegetables. And so they lost every fight until one day, when they were fighting a particularly viscious trampoline called Jeremy the Destroyer, who stuck them all in the ground, headfirst.
The aubergines decided that they actually quite liked being upside down and so, after years of evolution, they became the aubergines we know and love today.
Aubergine means speary thing in German.
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